True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
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