I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
I will die if light touches me.
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
Randomize
