You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Randomize
