Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
YOU CAN'T GET A TATTOO BECAUSE OF KPOP FANFICTION. THAT'S NOT HOW LIFE WORKS
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
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