hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
Hmm should I take my nipple rings out before my sisters wedding/family vacation in Puerto Rico where I will be with my mother 24hrs a day for four days wearing a bathing suit seemingly the entire time? Or should I just risk it and not hug anyone.
Risk it. Keep the titties tough.
Randomize
