my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
Randomize
