Jerry, you need to find god
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
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