I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
There was a lot of him and a little penis
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
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