I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
Randomize
