My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
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