Just got my econometrics book in the mail and started flipping through it. Our Thursday parties may turn into u convincing me not to kill myself.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
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