there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
Randomize
