Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
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