were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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