smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
