video games are the ultimate cock blocker
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
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