Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
no you cant smoke seaweed
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
Randomize
