I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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