whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
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