Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
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