i already hear my dad disowning me
I wonder if those guys know that i know that is a halfway house and dont just think it is some cool older guy frat house.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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