I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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