Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
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