I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
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