I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
Its against the rules to not make you aware of his virgin situation prior to penetration
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Randomize
