i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
