she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
I feel that shower jager is exactly what this man needs after last night.
You're a disgrace to gay men everywhere.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
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