well i did feel guilty about it. until i saw how hot the guy was the next day. now, nothing but pride.
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
Randomize
