hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Randomize
