Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
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