Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
Randomize
