The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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