Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
That was before I lit my hair on fire
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
