why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
Randomize
