ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
The streets are paved with hand jobs
Randomize
