I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
