remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
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