I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
I brought my porn computer to class by accident
How much porn do you watch if you need a special computer?
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
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