i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
Tomorrow morning i will black in to find a christmas tree in my room that i dont remember how i got. I love college
No, I googled it. Apparently, male thongs are the next snuggy and a lot of guys love wearing them for the support.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
I said "one day" and that day is not today
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