For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
