It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
