this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
Randomize
