im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
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