saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
Let's paint friendship bongs
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
