i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Randomize
