she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
