Steel Reserve is the RC Cola of alcohol. It's never ok.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Randomize
