And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
I know it's anime porn but I promise you the guy looks like Fred Durst
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
Randomize
