I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
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