Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
booty call hours are between 1:30-3:00 AM thurs-sat with the exception of major drinking holidays and election days. please try again
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
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